After
leaving my Naturopaths office I am supposed to feel like my situation is not
hopeless, that I will eventually be able to lead a somewhat normal life when it
comes to food. I guess I feel optmisstic
to some degree but I also feel this wave of sadness and despair come over
me. I sat down with a complete stranger
for over an hour and confessed all of my eating habits, past and present and
feel this overwhelming guilt flood me.
Am I being punished for those many years of starving myself? Now that I desperately want to eat and be
healthy the universe is turning its back on me.
I suppose I
am feeling panicked because I am suddenly back to those days of restrictions that
I lived many years ago but this time it’s not my choice. Dealing with chronic IBS and celiac disease
has me keeping away from many foods such as gluten, dairy, meat, raw
vegetables, alcohol and caffeine to name a few. I hate restrictions!! They are not good for recovering
anorexics. I am terrified that I may slip back into old
ways because in my opinion anorexic tendencies seem to always be there. I never act on them but my mind does ‘try’ to
talk me into starving myself when I’ve gained a few pounds. Believe me, that voice is very loud and very
convincing. It’s this simple, I am
stronger than the disease.
I know that many people with anorexia
simply do not care about poor nutrition or health. I know I certainly didn't.
When anorexic, I didn't take multivitamins or calcium supplements. I never
thought about the long term effects nor did anyone tell me that I would have
osteoarthritis in my jaw by the time I was 25 from all those years of pulling
on it when vomiting. No, it’s not a
pretty picture and it breaks my heart to think that I didn't care whether I
lived or died!! Obviously I was able to overcome that deranged way of living
and see with clarity now. For many years I’ve been trying to mend the damage of
over a decade of malnutrition has had on my body, only to have to start all
over again.
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your
love and affection."Buddha
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